I have done yoga for a long time. That doesn’t mean I do it well. Yoga has kept me moving through so many physical issues….my back surgery ( I did yoga instead of PT ), joint pain, injuries, MRSA and the misery of trying to move again after 3 months in bed and several skin grafts and LOTS of morphine….it helps with my scuba diving by giving me good breath control, so I can happily stay in my weightless environment longer. I have long studied the eight limbs of yoga, and I’ve tried to meditate, though I’m not very good at that either. I try to make myself relax and stay in my bubbly bathtub for 20 minutes…I usually make it about 5. When I try to quietly meditate and concentrate on my breath, I last an even shorter period of time. Relax? Tough one for me. And no, I cannot just lay on a beach or lounge chair. I go crazy. Sometimes diving, or listening to music is a kind of meditation for me.
So, a new journey begins. Advanced Yoga Studies. AYS covers everything in greater depth, from the asanas (postures) to the physical body (anatomy, basically), and the philosophy. It is every weekend for a month, 5 hours a day. That amount of time is a serious challenge for my 4 rods and 8 pedicle screws which are inserted in my lumbar spine. I made myself a happy place today with bolsters and pillows and blankets so I can get into sitting positions in comfort. Yesterday…well, I spent last night flat on my back. Ouch.
So why am I doing this? Lots of reasons really. First, I have always wanted to go deeper into the philosophy. Second, I thought I might be able to find ways to do postures so I do not hurt. Third, life has been kind of unusually challenging for the last few years….and the last 6 months have been more than challenging. How to describe it? When you are at the point when you don’t dare ask what else could possibly go wrong? I never ask what else could happen, I don’t want to tempt fate. I try to keep my mouth shut so fate will not notice me. Fourth, after a lifetime of putting others first, being daughter, mother, spouse, sister…I want to get to know myself, and what I want, and what I do or don’t believe in. There are two of me: the logical scientist who wants empirical proofs about any and all things, and the other me who wants to just believe. The logical side likes to interfere in that process. I have always had a magical way of looking at things, and in the last couple of years that viewpoint has dimmed. Yes, I still feel childlike wonder in nature, which drives me to spend as much time in it as possible (particularly the water, as I’m sure everyone knows), but I have trouble accessing it in my everyday life anymore. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because my children have grown up? Having children was wonderful and magical (yes the logical side has plenty to say about that)….I read to them and told them stories of fantastic feats and daring deeds, tried to build their characters with a code of ethics, I sang to them, recited poetry to them to get them to sleep at night, played with them, and their friends, and I have missed them now that they are all grown up. I miss the funny, and sometimes insightful, things they would say, the smell of Johnson & Johnson shampoo, and the uninhibited way they shared their feelings and thoughts as well as their hugs. My 23 year old son is engaged to be married! That carries a bit of a punch to the stomach…it truly lets me know how much time has passed. The time was rich and full…but that time in our lives has passed. I have looked forward to the empty nest and to being alone with my husband, Randy…like we were before we had children. Again though, the wheel of fortune has turned and Randy has suffered a devastating illness followed by the miracle of a double lung transplant. Life has changed though, and adjustments are necessary. As his illness progressed, and as he works to recover, there is a realization that some things will never be the way they were, so we have to learn to want another way of doing and being. Click to Tweet.
Anyway, my point is, some of my idealistic optimism has tarnished. I want it back. It may not be as bright and shiny as it was, but it is an essential part of me that I need to reconnect with. SO. Advanced Yoga Studies, a journey that begins to go inward. I like to explore, to learn, to research, to synthesize knowledge…now the object of study is me. I am open to discovery, and hopefully the rediscovery of things which have gone deep within.
My daughter asked me tonight why I like to travel so much. It is the experience of other places, other worlds (such as the underwater realm or the savannah), other cultures, other ways of seeing…which gives me new perspective, excitement, and often, a feeling of deep gratitude for what I have been given. Each trip gives me a deeper sense of attachment to, well, to everything and everyone. I marvel at the richness of our earth and all of its inhabitants. I want to help protect it, and them. Travel piques curiosity, and I think curiosity, coupled with wonder at each new discovery, is what creates purpose and worth in our lives. Sometimes you don’t even need to walk out the door to take a journey. “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt. “The purpose of life is a life of purpose.” ― Robert Bryne. So am I living my purpose? Am I being true to myself? The path of yoga may be a way to appreciate those questions, and perhaps, to find answers. Or maybe the answer is more questions.
“Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home” says the poet Matsuo Basho. I believe that to be true. Wherever I am, in my own heart I am home. So I will continue the path, and share with you what I find. As we say in yoga class, Namaste.
