Everyone grows up with a certain set of values. Our families of origin have a tremendous influence on our lives, and although some values may be deemed unnecessary, or need to be adjusted later in a person’s life, others are still viable and have great impact. I have lived my life in keeping with many of the values I was taught as a child. Those values were passed down to my own children in one way or another.
- You have a duty to respect, love, and be present with your family. My father talked on the phone every evening with his mother after she was widowed. I’m not saying he found the conversations always stimulating! He missed Saturday nights, but he visited her every Sunday. Dad never missed a holiday at the cemetery. Does that sound ghoulish? When I grew up we took flowers every single holiday to the cemetery, and we took them for all family members buried there. My father’s relatives were all buried close by, and it was a given that we all paid our respects. After my father died, I sent flowers to his grave for many years because I wanted to show him the same respect. I have lived longer in Dallas than I did in Dayton, and after many years I decided that it was no longer necessary, and my children have not grown up taking flowers to the cemetery. We have no family buried here, so it was a lesson that basically went untaught. Whenever I go home I do take flowers, or at least stop by. I do realize though, that he is not there.
I never said they were stimulating conversations! - Never live above your means. Do not go into debt. My dad owned his own business, and he refused to drive a luxury car because he did not want his employees to feel that he had more than they did. He was not a CEO who made 500 times what his employees made! ( I have to admit that I like luxury cars. Sorry, Daddy).
- Do not go into business with your family, it always ends badly. (I know first hand that dad was right about that one).
- Be humble, and modest. He worked hard to get what he had, he was a “self-made man” as they used to say, but he always said his good fortune was luck. Others worked just as hard as he did and would never reach his level of success, he said. Do not be proud, show less than what you have, and be glad you were lucky.
- Be generous with those less fortunate. I can remember times when an employee would spend his paycheck at the bar, and dad would make sure there was a Christmas for that family, or a Thanksgiving dinner. He was a very caring person, and most of time I found out about his generosity from eavesdropping because he didn’t advertise it. He did always tell my mom…and I was usually in hearing distance.
- Do not ride a motorcycle. You will die or lose limbs.
- No guns. The gun edict was absolute in our household. He wouldn’t allow so much as a BB gun in the house. (My uncle bought one for my brother one year for Christmas. It was confiscated immediately and was never seen again.) He served in the Navy in World War II, and in the Army during the Korean War, so he knew how to use firearms. He chose not to. He told us that “having a gun is an invitation for someone to shoot you”. Having grown up in such an atmosphere, I am not comfortable with guns, and do not want people to bring them into my home. Texas has just passed an open carry law…the idea of people walking around with guns is frightening to me.
- Be honest. Tell the truth. (My parents always knew when I was lying, anyway. I was voted the worst liar on the planet.)
- Do not steal. (I had to return a half eaten Reese’s cup when I was four years old. I never took anything without paying for it again). Being a thief is about as low as one can go. Mom and Dad were very clear on this one.
- Always put your spouse first, they are your partner in life. Your children will grow up and leave you, but your spouse will be there long after (if you are lucky). Both of my parents advocated this, and I have always believed it.
Core Value: Love (or at least respect) your family and family ties.
Now, there were other ones, not values really, ….more like, do not ride horses (sorry, Mom), do not climb trees (sorry Mom), and do not hang out around dogs during a storm, especially no big dogs. Dogs attract lightning (sure, Mom). I know, the dog thing is batshit crazy, but she insisted it was true til the day she died. Both of my parents were kind of risk averse, which is probably why I like adventurous activities and large dogs. There was also “don’t kill anything unless you are going to eat it” because we liked to fish. During the summer there was a fish fry every Saturday night at the lake. Of course, I don’t fish now, I look at fish instead. I prefer seeing them alive.
I grew up in Southern Ohio and there were many racial/ethnic values which did not sit well with me during the time I grew up and still don’t. My Grandma warned me about dating “Papists” because the Pope was the devil. No Jews either since they “killed Jesus” (I know that is untrue, don’t worry). Oh, and only a trashy white girl would date a black guy. I never heard that one from my parents, but I did hear that I should marry within the same race…my own race (white). Hey, it was the 60s and 70s, you know? My mother grew up in Kentucky where there was segregation, and while she was not a racist, her parents were. I won’t even tell you some of the things I heard them say! I was horrified by the prejudice from an early age, so it probably helped set me on my Liberal path. My nuclear family was always pretty liberal, or non political, and encouraged debate. There was nothing you couldn’t ask, and with my endless curiosity, I asked a lot of questions.
I’d love to hear about other “family values”. Any pearls of wisdom from your family? Anyone else’s mother think that dogs attract lightning?
I love your family’s values. Ours were a little more…complex. Or maybe nonexistent.
Carol Cassara recently posted…What did you learn in 2015?
Hmmm. I read your post…I’m sorry you don’t have a family…it must be difficult
Your dad was a smart man and he sounds a lot like my dad, including the loathing for guns. I love all the family values you and I both grew up with.
I agree that my dad was smart, and he hated violence of any kind. I’m so glad you enjoyed the post!
The values set in our family were pretty much like yours Tammy! The greatest was–never sacrifice your character, morals or integrity. A big no, no and a big punishment if discovered. Punishment was served up with love–meaning, we love you and that’s why you’re being punished :). You gotta love that line. And yes, mom believed dogs attracted lightening. Still trying to figure that one out. Some rules I left behind, but some are still with me and I’m sure they’re proud of that.
Hummm, sure miss them lots,
Juetta
You must be joking!!!! Your mom also thought dogs attract lightning?? We continue to find commonality. I miss them too.
Growing up in the mid west (IN) and of the same general age group–parents that went thru and or served in WWII and actually grew up during te great depression–I can identify with many of these same values and family experiences and traditions. I had to smile about visiting the cemetery and placing flowers on the gravesites o our loved ones who had passed years ago–many relatives that me and my siblings never met–yet this was guarded as a tradition of great respect for the family members who paved the way for us–if you will. It also allowed an opportunity to share stories of our heritage. Luckily neither me, my siblings, my children nor oodles of nieces and nephews regard this as weird–but they find it to be quite interesting. I visit my parents and grandparents’ gravesites every time I am back home and during the year my sisters who still live close visit and decorate the graves with flowers, etc.–my brother often times takes a beer to place on my dad’s–obviously he did love his beer!!
Thanks for sharing these little snip its of the past–and the bigger picture that they are ingrained/imprinted upon us–they are part of us–that influence our behavior and those of our children. My children’s first babysitters and day care for the first several years of their lives where my parents–which I am so thankful for and realize how fortunate that they had this rare and valued opportunity. I think that adds to their respect and appreciation of their family, both immediate and extended. I will have to say that my children are my most proud accomplishments–and I realize I can only claim a certain amount of the end result–it was definitely a compilation of so much more. I am so pleased that all our children take pride in the family traditions –even the little things i.e. when there are holidays or birthdays to be celebrated –an invitation isn’t required but quite the contrary you are expected to participate/be present if at all possible. We operate on the premise “the more the merrier”.
With 4 of our 5 children married and some with children of their own–families have been combined & recreated–and everyone, every family has traditions that are dear to them and it takes a lot of love, cooperation, creativity and mostly RESPECT for others and willingness to TRY rather than just dismiss longstanding family traditions as we welcome new ones.
Nancy
Respect, yes. And remember what Yoda said, “there is no try. there is only DO.” I agree with more the merrier! Sounds like you have a BIG family, ours is quite a bit smaller, I’m afraid.
It was so fun reading about your childhood. We were given many of the same values with just a few differences….we brought a rock from our house to the cemetery for each person’s grave we visited. I am Jewish and I was supposed to date only Jews. Much to my Mom’s horror, I did not subscribe to this ridiculous bigotry. I did end up marrying a Jewish man. However, it wasn’t because of his religion. It was because he was a warm, loving, wonderful person. Like you, I passed on many of those family traditions to my children that I felt were warm, loving and helpful – I threw out the rest!
How does the rock work? I mean, after 20 years isn’t the grave full of rocks? My grandmother’s family had a Mennonite background…the idea of dating a Catholic was horrifying to her!
I share a lot of your same values. I wish everyone shared the anti-gun one.
I do, too, but people have the right to believe what they want to. Some people think everyone should carry. Texas now has an open carry law, not something I am too excited about. Kind of strange for a twice military man who grew up on a farm, and where there are a lot of hunting seasons, to feel so strongly about it.
It’s so important to keep family values alive. I made sure of that with my family even when it came down to cooking meals for the holidays. I really love you family values too and totally believe in them as well. It’s all very sound advise for sure!
Traditions are important, I think…and I love family stories. We hear so much about persons who apparently have no values…they are on the news every night. Having values isn’t a given, it has to be taught.
Tam, as usual a stimulating and thought-provoking post! What i love most and what you praised your dad for BUT as usual took no opportunity to flaunt – Value 5 – “be generous”. Those reading Tam regularly will never hear her talk about the incredible example the Mintons set for all of us and our kids- give back. I find this the best value we can pass along and down. We were taught and now teach our kids that it is a privilege and an honor to give back. The Mintons quietly do it year in and year out. Giving back is not always a money thing. My mom said give your time, your talent OR your treasure – but give. Thanks Mr. And Mrs. Warner and Randy and Tam for the values and lessons!
As usual, you are just too kind! Talk about giving! Tom and Nancy Murphy are a great example of giving back. Check out Shamrockin’ for a Cure, a fundraiser spearheaded by the Murphy’s for Cystic Fibrosis. We had the honor of attending in 2014…a fabulous example of giving time, talent AND treasure! Thank you, Murph!
Very thoughtful post, and so good to hear about your childhood and family. I learned about living below my means and never having debt, as well as honesty being mandatory in my family too. Another value I learned was to always do your best. One thing I remember was how my mom would praise me for doing my best. She had a way of praising me for what she expected, and I would work to meet that standard. When I knew I could have done better, and she would proudly praise me for doing my best, I would work harder the next time. Pretty sneaky parenting. 🙂
Obviously, this sneaky parent did the right thing! My dad had a way of steering me away from guys he didn’t like by saying things like “I really like Ben. It’s a shame he isn’t a bit brighter.” LOL
Family values are great, though some of them might be obsolete by this time. What really made me read twice is the last one. Always put your spouse first, they are your partner in life. Your children will grow up and leave you, but your spouse will be there long after (if you are lucky). I guess this is so true. Thanks for sharing a thought provoking post.
You are most welcome…thanks for stopping by!