Taking Stock

I am not much of a New Year’s resolution or party person. Truthfully, Randy and I stay at home every year, watching movies or…whatever.  Tonight, I feel sure it will be movies, I mean, come on, he had a double lung transplant in September after being on life support…..

Today,  I am reviewing the past year, and trying to get a handle on what I have learned from it, and where I am going from here. Change isn’t coming…it has already arrived. Change is unavoidable, it is how we handle it that makes the difference. So, how am I going to handle it?

2013 has been one of the most challenging and difficult years of my life. It brought illness, suffering, and the loss of loved ones. Days, weeks, months spent in hospital waiting rooms, the challenge of letting go, not only of those who have passed, but of my adult children… so what is the lesson here?  Or is there one?  Does there always have to be a lesson, or do bad things just happen, whether or not you are “good”?  Is there really something in existence like “karma”?  2013 also brought us the miracle of Randy’s survival.  Perhaps there is a season for everything…I look to 2014, and hope that the season will be more… temperate.  I will do everything in my power to make it so. Change has arrived, but changes, I find, still need to be made.

When I was growing up I was pretty sure that by 2014 we’d be the Jetson’s, you know?  I still don’t have a hovercraft, or live in a sky ball, but when I thought of the year 2000…my picture was of extreme technological advances. And there certainly have been.  Who ever thought you could actually have your own computer, let alone carry it with you??  As advanced as we are, 2013 brought fresh reminders of simple truths;  that life cannot be counted on, it is fragile and although we don’t realize it, we could lose it at any moment.  I am still pondering the ironies of my life: who could have ever thought that, like my mother, my husband would be chronically and critically ill in his mid fifties? That, like me, my children would have to worry about losing their dad far too soon in their young lives? And that fear isn’t over for them, that worry will stay with them, always. Ironies like my father, my mother and husband all suffering from fatal, and potentially fatal, lung diseases?  I wonder how that fits in, if it has any meaning, or if it is just coincidence? My biological mother died of lung cancer at 59, and my biological father, who is only 70, is very, very ill and in the hospital as I write. This year has definitely caught my attention.  I’m sure I will be pondering these things for some time to come, and I don’t expect to have definitive answers on any of it, any more than I have ever received definitive answers to anything.  As Nick (William Hurt) said in the Big Chill, “sometimes you just have to let life flow over you”.  (He actually said “art”, but I’m paraphrasing.)

I realize that in many ways life is a river, and you flow along with the current, which only goes one way.  In 2014 I am determined to be able to at least do some paddling ( I know, I know, I fell out of the raft in the Truckee River this year, and fell off my standup paddle board a hundred times….but still, it’s good to have a paddle, even if it is, as my dad would say, up Shit Creek.)

I have taken stock, and have made, not resolutions, but intentions (perhaps even decisions) for my life in the coming year.  My caretaker role has been absolute for so long, and I don’t mean caretaking only in a physical sense, though that has certainly been a portion of it.  As someone said to me today, “Tam, take care of you. Don’t take in any stray kittens this year.” It is time for me to take care of … me.  Now, that is a revelation.

I have raised my family, my children are now in their twenties. My beautiful children are adults, and they are smart, compassionate, talented people.  There are mistakes and joys and pain and lessons and love in front of them.  They have their path, and while I love them with all of my heart, always, it is time to let go. Really let go, let them walk their path, and trip if they must. I know I did, and still do, spend a lot of time falling down. And it is time to set boundaries as well, because as they have their own lives to live, so do I, and so does Randy. Randy and I have many things we still want to do, both together, and apart.  It is time for US. We cancelled many trips and excursions last year due to Randy’s worsening condition. Of course, one never knows what can happen, so travel insurance is a must, ha ha, as is the ability to change course.  The doctors do not want Randy leaving the USA for at least a year, so we are planning trips to Napa Valley, Lake Travis, Lake Tahoe, and perhaps northern California. All of these destinations keep us somewhat close to major lung transplant centers where, if something should happen, he could be taken by care flight very quickly. His wonderful childhood buddies, “the Dons”, who have been to Dallas at least twice to support their fellow Don and his family, will be back in Dallas in late January.  So, we are busy making plans.

As for me, I will continue my explorations.  I made a last minute  decision to head to the Great Exumas, an island chain which is part of the Bahamas. My cousin has decided to join me, and I look forward to rest, long walks, and diving.  Oh, and swimming feral pigs.  Stay tuned for them, I cannot wait to go to Pig Beach!  I need to de-stress, process,  and rest. I am headed to the villas at the Grand Isle Resort in the Exumas, and from all appearances, it will be a relaxing trip.  I will be blogging all about it, of course!

I have also planned a trip to Thailand/Myanmar, both to dive, and then to spend a week exploring.  At this time, I will be alone, but it is a possibility that my daughter might join me.  If I can talk her into going someplace where she thinks people are waiting to steal one’s kidneys.  People do that, but I’m not overly concerned.  I love to travel, and aside from the big pelagic life of the Andaman Sea, Phuket and Bangkok will be full of wonders.  Ecuador is also on my travel planner, two weeks assisting in Manta Research with the Queen of Mantas, Dr Andrea Marshall.  I am very much looking forward to that!

My yearly intention also includes yoga, taking better care of myself, and immersing myself more in the spiritual side of life. That can be a tough thing for me to do as part of my brain is always reminding me of scientific method, physical law, and empirical evidence. I plan to take Advanced Yoga, which will include meditation and learning more about living yoga.  I must figure out how to get more comfortable with myself. I don’t know why I always allow myself to slide into such stress that I stop working out…. I have put on so much weight this last six months that it hurts to walk.  I mean that seriously.  My health issues, particularly my back, require that I stay active, preferably in the water where my spine has plenty of support. The last thing I want to do is go over my health problems, so suffice it to say I have to keep moving, and I have to make myself my priority.  I always put other’s wants, wishes, and needs ahead of my own, and that is not good for me, or for anyone else.  Women are very prone to the “caretaker” disease. I am once again at a point where severe pain is the norm.  I had a massage the other day and the masseuse told me that she believes my weight gain is from cortisol, which is known as the stress hormone.  Extra weight means pain and difficulty moving. How do you get rid of cortisol?  You get rid of STRESS.  I doubt that is fully possible, but I know I can make a dent in how much stress I live with. As Dori in Finding Nemo says, I have to “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”

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The time of the year has nothing to do with these intentions….I am just at a point where these intentions have become a priority for me. Where are you?  Have you found balance?  Do you take of yourself first?  I would enjoy hearing from those who are traveling, or have traveled, this road.

Oh, and Happy New Year!

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