Family Relations

Midlife brings its share of excitement, sorrow, and puzzlement, regardless of the season.  My husband’s family relations have puzzled me long before now, but during the holidays, it seems to surface more often.

My husband’s family went into business together long ago (I know, first mistake, right?) and tempers flared. It did not have a happy ending as far as family relationships go.  I have always been sorry for my children, and my nieces and nephews, that they didn’t grow up together and form lifelong relationships.  Long story short, one of my sisters-in-law decided to break relations with her husband’s brothers, and their entire families.  I fought it for many years…and while the kids were young we did have some little contact, but as the years went by, we were absolutely frozen out.  Persona non grata. I have never understood people who cut off family members (unless they were convicted of an ax murder or something).  My family is not perfect, but I have stayed as close as a sister to one of my cousins, and reconnected with another.  My brother and I are close. It is so important, to have those bonds of love and affection, to have a sense of belonging. We live in different parts of the country, but that does not lessen the ties that bind us together.

I held out hope for a very long time that the attitude of my husband’s family would soften, at least between the cousins, but I have come to realize that there will be no change.  Even though the kids are all adults now, and should act like adults, there is no sign of melting ice. Actually, the final straw for me occurred last week.  My father in law is frail, and in his late 80s now. One of his granddaughters was in from out of town, and he wanted to get his 3 granddaughters together for an evening with him. They all said yes…but at the last minute, he received a phone call from one, cancelling the evening. The other two cousins went, and both said Grandpa’s heart was broken, and he cried on and off all night because the 3^rd granddaughter would not join them. It broke their hearts to see him like that, and it breaks mine to hear about it.

My family always makes fun of me for saying this, but I am serious:  why can’t people just be nice?  What is the use of hanging onto anger and feuds that have nothing to do with the present, and had nothing to do with the children in the family? I understand being hurt.  I just don’t understand perpetuating hurt until it becomes intractable anger and bitterness. I believe we have all lost, but especially the children. They are now adults, and don’t even know one another.

Although I will never understand it, I finally accept it. Last year my husband had a life threatening health catastrophe and we came very close to losing him. My children and I received not one phone call, not even an email, to express concern, or to offer help. I suppose that says it all.

I try to live my life with optimism and hope.  Ghandi said, “The weak cannot forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”  I forgave long ago, but what I finally understand is that there are some individuals who are just not capable of love or forgiveness, and those people bring toxicity to our lives.  It is best to wish them well, and let them go out of our lives.

I know this is not an unheard of issue between family members. The holidays can often be tense when families gather.  What about others out there? Do you have family members who have cut you out of their lives? Or that you don’t speak to? How do you handle it?