Important Stuff

Memorial Day Remembrance

May 25, 2014 By Tam Warner 8 Comments

Memorial Day is the day to remember and thank all those who have served in the US Military. The vast majority have served with integrity and good heart, and I do thank them and honor their memories. I like to remember my dad and his family on Memorial Day, since they served our country well.

Chappy, Paul, Herm with their little sister and Paul's son. — Chappy, Paul, Herm with their little sister and Paul’s son.

My Uncle Paul Warner served in the 2nd World War, was there on D Day, and helped liberate Dachau. He lived in Germany for 2 years afterward. He never talked about it, and did not want to. I cannot imagine the horrors he saw. Also, I have realized that I cannot find one image of Paul in uniform. He was 12 years older than my father, and perhaps his son has those photos, but I cannot find a single one in my family collection. I do know he didn’t like to think about his time there, when I visited Munich and Dachau he was flabbergasted. What on earth would she want to go to that hell hole for? he asked my Dad. I tried to question him a little bit, but Paul wasn’t talking. I believe he saw hell when he was over there.

warner chappy 2 — Chappy Warner after he came home from Korea.

My Uncle Chappy (Charles) Warner served at the front during the Korean War, only to come home and die in a terrible accident 6 months later. My grandmother gave me all of the letters and photos he sent her during his tour. I never met him, but I know my father felt his loss deeply, as did the rest of the family. He always seemed such a romantic and tragic figure to me, I guess he still does.

Dad, or Herm Warner, joined the Navy when he was 17 years old, and the war was winding down. He was shipped out to the Pacific fleet in San Diego. My father’s dream had always been to go to college, and he saw the Navy as the way to achieve his goal. He served 5 or 6 years, 4 of them going to college. Thank you FDR for the GI Bill!

One would think that 8 years in the Navy would be enough to serve one’s nation, but my dad was drafted into the Army during the Korean War. He did everything possible to avoid being drafted, pointing out that he had already served, he was 28 years old and about to start a business and a family. Uncle Sam did not care about that, and off Dad went. After boot camp, being a drill sergeant, and being given the impression he was headed to the infantry in Korea, he was suddenly stationed outside of DC, in Silver Springs, MD, to serve in the Central Intelligence Corps. Mom moved to be with him and worked at the base. She said dad would come home with briefcases locked up, top secret, eyes only. I asked him about that, and he responded that he disliked his work for the CIC, he knew “things” he did not want to know, and worked on “things” he did not want to have any part of. And no, he never told me one damned secret even though I pestered him forever about it. “Just one”, I would beg. He did tell me that the government did “things” he could never have imagined. It’s pretty difficult for me to imagine my dad in the military because, though I am sure he did his duty and did it impeccably, he had such a gentle soul. (I’m not saying he didn’t have a temper, because he most definitely did.) My father never hunted, abhorred violence and never allowed a firearm of any kind in our home. “Having a gun around is an invitation to getting shot,” he would say. My uncle bought my brother a BB Gun for Christmas one year, but Dad confiscated it immediately and it was gone, never to be seen again. I would have liked to have heard the conversation between my dad and my uncle after that! Ha ha. I’m sure that would have been entertaining. You know, my dad would say that serving in the military taught discipline, and a year or two of military service wasn’t a bad thing for young men growing up. However, as my brother crept toward the age of 18, my dad became pretty vocal about the fact that “his son would never serve in Viet Nam. I’ll send him to Canada if I have to”. From what I could piece together, the similarities between the Korean War and the Vietnam War were many, and dad considered our involvement in Vietnam “inappropriate”. He respected the soldiers, but did not want his son to have anything to do with “that war”. I guess knowing the “things” he did about what went on in Korea made him adamant that my brother would never serve in Vietnam. Fortunately, the war ended, though most everyone would agree it didn’t end soon enough.

My brother Mike, mom, myself, and my dad.

Dad’s mother’s family was Mennonite when they came from Germany, and I often think this influenced his view of guns and war. Mennonites are non violent. And yet my dad’s ancestor, Jacob Werner, was a Hessian soldier who was paid to fight on the side of the British during the Revolutionary War. He quickly took the side of the Colonials, and stayed in America after the war ended. Who knows? Maybe Jacob fought against my husband’s illustrious ancestor, General Nathaniel Greene, Washington’s 2nd in command! Obviously, my father’s stories and peaceful nature influenced my views. I’m sure there are many who would argue his positions, and that’s okay, he always enjoyed a good discussion. But I have to say I am glad I was raised by my dad, and his non-violent, gentle soul. I miss him, and I’m sad that my children were never lucky enough to know him.

Thanks to all who serve, and who have served.

May 15, 1987: Throwback Thursday

May 15, 2014 By Tam Warner 6 Comments

On May 15, 1987, I gave birth to our daughter, Alexandra. As I said in my mother’s day post, she terrified me. The idea that I was responsible for this little human life was overwhelming. I went from being a nervous wreck (truthfully, I was a nervous wreck for quite a long while), to finally relaxing enough to enjoy her. She is 27 today, the same age I was when I gave birth to her. 27! We, the Boomers who have all hit 50 now, have begun to realize that our parents were correct: our children grow up fast, and time seems to fly. It is very difficult to believe that my darling baby girl (who stopped screaming at 2 months old, when she found her thumb) is 27 years old. She still looks like a child to me.

Mother and daughter had tough times, that is definite. We are not two peas in a pod, in fact, we are very, very different. AllyCat wants to know what the plan is….I always say there is no plan, we’ll play it by ear. THAT drives our AllyCat into “batshit crazy”. She always wants a plan. Always. Sometimes I have a plan, but it is always flexible. Oh, no, not for Alexandra. A plan is a plan, and you have to keep to it. Obviously, our temperaments are different, and we spent a great deal of time butting heads when she was in grade school, and again when she was in high school. This is the 10 year old who told me that my parenting was “inconsistent”. At 10! I have always been the type to say, oh well, that did not work, so we’ll try another way, but Ally wanted an absolute structure. I am really not good at structure. No, she was never an easy child.

Ally is a person who follows the rules, I am a person who questions rules and I usually only obey the ones I think make sense. This has made for some extremely interesting encounters out in the world. She was such a good little girl, so particular. She wouldn’t fingerpaint, she had to use Q Tips! I celebrated when she received her first demerit. Ha! Regardless, there has always been an unbreakable bond between us; actually, between the 4 of us as a family. Granted, we are a bit nuts. Ally has always believed we would be a better TV show than the Ozbournes. Ha! Yes, we are loud, there is cursing, and we are always engaged with each other in some way. We are a family who will talk about almost anything, and we have no compunction about asking questions, though sometimes the answers are not always what we want to hear.

The house was full of Ally’s friends and boyfriends as she grew up, I loved having the group here where I could at least know they were safe instead of out driving on a New Year’s Eve. Our little homebody didn’t want to ever leave home, she wanted to live here forever and go to college locally. We forced our little bird to fly, and she went to college in Florida, spent time in London for a study abroad semester, and lived in Boston for a year. Ally is a homing bird, and she is back in Dallas now, which is wonderful. She has had a stellar education, valuable experiences, and that is what we wanted for her. She and I took a trip to Thailand this year, and that was extremely enjoyable. My grownup daughter and I get along very well, and like being together. Fancy that!

So happy, happy birthday to you, Alexandra! Our little girl, our Pissy Sissy, our Biscuit, our AllyCat, our Xanadu…I am so glad I had you! (so is your dad, but he isn’t writing this blog, I am!). You have added meaning to my life that I never could have anticipated. I love you….big bunches!

IMPORTANT! Facebook has decided to charge pages like Travels with Tam a fee to share posts, even with people who have Liked our page. I have over 3,600 fans, but only 47 saw my Mother’s Day Post! This sucks, right? If you are on Google +, so am I, and if you’d like to get my posts you should subscribe via email, on the upper right of the page. I will be so so happy if you do!!!!

Being a Mother

May 11, 2014 By Tam Warner 2 Comments

Being a mother was not something I dreamed about while growing up. In fact, I didn’t even like to babysit, and when I had an infant to babysit, I called my best friend, Shannon, to change “it” if it woke up. I was much more interested in animals than in children. People said I would make a terrible mother because I was so mercurial and forgetful and in the clouds (ADHD, don’t you know).

With my first, Alexandra, I was so thrilled to be pregnant I didn’t even mind being sick every single day, and getting fat, fat, fat. It wasn’t until I was about 8 months pregnant that reality set in: we were having a baby. OH. MY.GOD. I had never even changed a diaper on my own! And I was going to be responsible for a human life? Oh, shit, what have I done?? After a nightmarish 21 hour labor ordeal, I had a pink, beautiful, screaming baby. She terrified me.

I was much more relaxed with my second baby, a huge, happy baby boy, Wessie boo. He wanted to eat constantly, and use me as a pacifier, but he was a happy, easy going baby. Mama’s boy, he never wanted to leave my side, he would burrow into me like a furry little animal. My brown eyed boy, always up to mischief, and always so happy about it!

ally and mom reader 1st grade — In character with an embarrassed daughter!

I wanted to be a great mother. I was an involved mom, reading to the kids and dressing in character at school (my daughter was humiliated and wondered why I couldn’t be like the other mothers). I played with them, taught them to swim, snorkel and scuba dive, read to them, put snakes they found into buckets to look at, and I tried to set a good example. I went back to college and achieved both a BA and an MS. I also took in every stray in the neighborhood (they all came to my door) and tried to heal birds and squirrels and any other animal they brought me. I taught them my reverence for animals and for nature, especially the ocean. We had bunnies and dogs and cats and lizards and tortoises. My house was the house where all the kids wanted to hang out, so the house was always full and noisy. I loved it.

We have always loved animals! — Always a full house.

I love my children, and I have loved being their mother. I still do. I was not a perfect parent (good luck with that), and my daughter actually told me when she was 10 or so that I was not consistent enough. My son was a charmer who mostly got his way (I always knew what he was up to, but he was just so sweet and adorable!). I have spent the last 28 years being a mother, and I have learned that once you become a parent, there is no turning back. It never ends…the love, the worry, the fear, the concern, and the joy. The attachment is always there, an invisible cord holding us together, forever.

Talent show! — I coached them in “The Lion King” for a talent show. They won!

The sad thing about being a mom is that your children don’t remember all that you did for them, or with them. It forms them, influences them, creates their character, but they don’t remember the days of play and swimming and helping with homework, the time and the love and the sacrifices and the lessons taught. Parenthood is the hardest job, there is no doubt about that. They remember the things you did wrong, but rarely remember the things you did right. I remember, though. I have jumped through hoops of fire for my kids, done everything in my power to give them the help they needed, and I can’t say I left anything undone. I have always been there for them, supporting them if they needed it, cheering them on if they didn’t. Maybe I didn’t discipline them enough…but it was just so hard to see them cry. It hurt me to the core of my being.

Wesley's college graduation celebration — Wesley’s college graduation celebration

I do not regret being a parent, I have been fulfilled by it, not only with my own children, but my children by other mothers. I hope they know that every moment of their lives I have loved them, and done only what I thought was in their best interests. They are off and living their own lives now, but they are always in my heart. Always.

For Mother’s Day, Give Back to Mother Earth!

May 5, 2014 By Tam Warner 5 Comments

For Mother’s Day, let’s all give Mother Earth a gift! There are so many deserving organizations out there, I don’t know where to start. I guess I will start with organizations I regularly support, which are animal conservation and protection, and urge you to give our Mother Earth a gift for Mother’s Day!

Danaerys Targaryen, my adopted Manta Ray!

Marine Megafauna Foundation: MMF was started in 2009 to protect, research, and conserve megafauna species (Manta Rays, Whale Sharks, Sharks, and Turtles) along the coast of Mozambique. The reach of the organization has gone global: from attending CITES conferences advocating the legal conservation of these animals to researching them all over the world, MMF is a worldwide organization. You can volunteer, you can donate, or you can adopt or sponsor an animal. I am going to Ecuador in September with Dr. Andrea Marshall and a team of scientists to volunteer with the largest Manta Ray population on earth! I am so excited to go on this trip! I support this organization wholeheartedly. I volunteered in Tofo, Mozambique in 2012 and met several members of MMF, and these dedicated and inspiring people are crucial to conservation efforts everywhere!

Elephants World in Thailand: In 1900 there were 100,000 elephants in Thailand. Today, there are 2000 in the wild, and 3000 in captivity. The main reason for the drop in number is the reduction of living space and as a result of illegal logging. A smaller living area means less food for elephants. Wild elephants are still taken from the forest for trading, tusks, or breeding. Elephants World takes these sick, aged, disabled and abused elephants from the cruelty of the lives they have known and gives them a sanctuary where they can live out the rest of their lives in peace.

African Wildlife Foundation: The African Wildlife Foundation protects the endangered species on the African savannahs by Wild Life conservation, Land and Habitat Protection, Community Empowerment and Economic Development. These animals are precious natural resources, our own fellow creatures. Time is running out, and we must all take action to stop the extinction of many species. Read about their programs, and donate!

Wolves in Yellowstone: Yellowstone has served as a recovery place for the resurgence of the species. Wolf packs once roamed from the Arctic tundra to Mexico, but loss of habitat and extermination programs by humans led to their demise throughout most of the United States by 1900. Yosemite is raising 11 million dollars to protect North American species. The link above will take you to our National Parks site where you can choose to donate to any project you wish. Happy Mother’s Day to Mother Earth!

REEF: The mission: Reef Environmental Education Foundation is a grass-roots organization that seeks to conserve marine ecosystems by educating, enlisting and enabling divers and other marine enthusiasts to become active ocean stewards and citizen scientists. They have 3 main projects: Grouper Moon Project (studying and repopulating Groupers); Survey Project (when I dive I fill out surveys for this organization. It tracks important fish populations in order to determine the health of reefs all over the world), and the Lionfish Project. Sadly, the Lionfish Project seeks to rid our waters of the invasive Lionfish species, which does not belong in the Atlantic ocean. These lionfish threaten the ecosystem, so REEF puts together Lionfish Derby series all over the Atlantic ocean to rid the environment of these dangerous fish.

There are many, many deserving organizations out there, organizations making every effort to make Mother Earth a better place for all creatures. These are just a few, but they are absolutely worthy of support.

Make a difference for Mother’s Day by giving Mother Earth a precious gift!

Still wondering about 370

April 8, 2014 By Tam Warner Leave a Comment

When Malaysian Air flight 370 vanished, I was on a boat in the Andaman Sea and did not know about it until I returned to shore. Since then, I have followed the news, not obsessively, but I check in every few days to see if anything has been found. I saw something this morning about the black box, but don’t have details yet.

What is it that is so compelling about 370’s disappearance? Planes have gone down before….but in recent history, not without a trace. Over a month, and no definitive evidence at all. The best clue yet, they say, maybe they have a ping consistent with airline flight boxes in the northern part of the search area. At over 14,000 feet deep. That’s almost 3 miles down. And “encouraging”, but not definitive.

Every time I travel and get on a plane, or a boat, or any vessel, I do ponder the possibility of losing my life. My basic thought, which is fleeting, is what are the odds? In my favor. Someone on flight 370 probably thought the same thing as they buckled in. Just that sudden, quick thought of what if? And they probably said, how likely is it? 1 in 11 million. That is correct. 1 in 11 million that you would die in an airplane crash. The odds of getting into a car accident are 1 in 5000, so we are all much more likely to die in a car than on a plane.

What is so compelling about this story? Well, it is a mystery, so far, and mysteries always get our attention. I think, though, that many people project, “that could have been me”. To see the families so devastated has been just awful, and because we all have family too, the thought of “it could have been me” is present, even if subconsciously. The thought of those people…is frightening, and sobering. People just like you and me. Gone. Disappeared. Vanished.

Scenarios have played out in my head…and I’m sure, in your head as well. I don’t want to go into detail on those thoughts, but I think it is reasonable to believe that the people on board flight 370 have left this world, regardless of what happened to the plane. In the days ahead we will hear more, much more. All I can think about are the people so closely involved in this…and my heart goes out to them. I cannot tell them I know what they are going through, because I don’t. Not many people do. But the passengers, crew, and families are in my thoughts, and I hope they can find a tiny bit of comfort knowing how many people hold them in their hearts.

Marriage Advice: is it 1950 or 2014?

February 20, 2014 By Tam Warner 8 Comments


Advice from the Princeton Mom: get your MRS degree!

While reading an article about the so-called “Princeton-Mom”, I felt my blood pressure soaring and steam coming out of my ears. The Princeton-Mom, Susan Patton, has completely entered the world of fantasy with her recent article in the Wall Street Journal, Susan Patton: A Little Valentine’s Day Straight Talk. Her fantasy world, of advising young women that college is the place to get an MRS, is beautifully refuted in The Atlantic’s Princeton-Mom VS the FACTS. The Princeton Mom starts off saying that a relationship is one of the most important factors in a woman’s life. Yes, that is true, but did you know that it is more true for men? “It is men who should be far more desperate to find a partner, as their health, happiness, and longevity depend on it. Multiple studies show that married men have a lower risk of disease, less loneliness and depression and that men with more educated wives enjoy a lower death rate.” Marriage, on the other hand, is one of the major stressors in a woman’s life, even more so than having children. So, advising women that men who are as well educated as they prefer younger, less educated (i.e. stupid) women, is nothing short of infuriating.

So, waiting until your late twenties or early thirties will leave you fewer good picks? Wow. I guess these smart, college educated women should make sure they catch a decent man early on so they don’t get stuck with the leftovers. That makes little sense though when you consider that the average college educated male gets married at 28. Besides, marriage is not such a big deal anymore. Want some empirical evidence? 72% of adults were married in 1970, but only 48% of adults are married now. Marital happiness has been declining for both men and women, and the American divorce rate is still very high. More and more people are asking, why should I get married? Well, that’s a pretty good question, especially for women. Click to Tweet!

As a former university lecturer on Gender Studies, I can tell you that the history of marriage in a male dominated society is about control. Marriage was a contract, between two men: father and groom to be. The ownership of a woman’s sexuality was passed from father to future husband, and usually along with money (or sheep or cows) to sweeten the deal for the future husband. Women had value as virgins, were contracted to have their husband’s children, be virtuous wives, and of course, a married woman must submit to her husband’s desires: there was no such thing as rape in marriage. The woman left behind any claim to self-hood as she changed her name, changed her home, and instead of submission to father, she submitted to husband. Hey, I could go on forever. Gender was my field of interest for my graduate work and for my teaching. I will say that our society perpetuates the romantic ideal of marriage, the prince and princess fairy tale wedding and happily ever after. From the Huffington Post: “In the U.S., that traditional view of marriage, and the wedding industrial complex that profits off of it, now have a powerful marketing platform in every cable network targeting women (five words: “Say Yes To The Dress”).” Weddings are incredibly expensive now, and I hate to burst your balloon, but diamonds are not rare…that is a marketing ploy. (Don’t get me wrong, I like diamonds!)

And, since I am on the subject, in this day and age, I mean it is 2014 after all, why are women still changing their names? I find this very disappointing. Changing your name implies that you are giving up your individuality to become MRS. Someone Else. I hear the argument from young women that “I want the same last name as my children”, well, so what? Give them YOUR last name, or better yet, who cares? Basing your decision on whether to change your last name on the possibility of having future children strikes me as pretty lame. From the Huffington Post via Web MD: One study tracking 1,000 couples for 15 years found that marriage brought only a “tiny blip” of happiness during the brief time closest to the wedding ceremony. “But on average, afterwards, people go back to way they were before. The researcher’s perspective is that we each have a baseline of happiness, and marriage on average isn’t going to change that — except for that little blip,” [psychologist Bella] DePaulo says.” So, know that marriage is not going to change you. Or anyone else, for that matter.

You can have a long term relationship with or without children, without marriage or with marriage, and you don’t have to change your name legally, change your driver’s license, credit cards, all of that. I mean, it’s 50/50 that your marriage will last anyway (sorry, just letting you know the stats). Do you want to have to change everything back?

Yes, I married young, and I did not know I had options other than to take his name, plan for a family, and let him make the big decisions. As we grew up together, we found our own way of doing things. I attained my education later in life. I know now what else one can do, but I did not then. (I have a cousin, 9 years younger, who served in the Peace Corps and traveled all over the world, and I thought she was just the most amazing person in the world. I still do, I admire her experiences in life.) I am one of the very, very fortunate few as I am still married, and happily so, to the same guy. With few exceptions, everyone I know who married young, got divorced. At least once. With the education and experience I have, with the knowledge of the fight for equality and the struggle for equal pay, with the spirits of the women who came before me and fought for everything we now have, for the women who fight now for the right to determine what happens to our bodies, the right to use birth control, to have women’s preventive health care, and decent sex education (and I count myself among these women) I would not make the same decisions in 2014 that I made in 1981. I would still be with Randy. Would I marry? I don’t know. I might just have a long term relationship without all the bells and whistles (so romantic…like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn). Or, depending on money, maybe I would still have my beautiful white wedding. I would still want my wonderful children, and who cares if they are born in or out of wedlock? How medieval that is! Would I change my name? NO, no and no. Someone give me a good reason, one that doesn’t involve patriarchal values, and we can discuss it. I have held to these ideals, I have taught women’s history and gender equality, I have supported women’s education and health, I have raised my children with feminist values, and yet I have a feeling that my own daughter might change her name when she marries. sigh.

Obviously, I feel strongly about these issues. My advice? Really think about the history, the facts, and educate yourself about these issues before you rush into decisions. Make your own decisions, don’t do what everyone else wants you to do. And, in my humble opinion, anyone who advocates the 1950s advice that the Princeton Mom is espousing is doing a great disservice to our young people, both women and men. Come into the post-modern world and see the possibilities open to all! If you don’t like it, build a time machine.

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