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Laid Flat

December 3, 2013 By Tam Warner Leave a Comment

I cannot begin to tell you how crazy (angry, disgusted) my spine makes me. As Randy says, “this is Bullshit!” After a weekend of family engagement, and holiday decorating, I found myself in such pain that I could barely walk. Thanksgiving was so special…Randy walked into the dining room! He is now able to do some walking without his walker! Every little improvement means so much to us all. It isn’t all roses, though. He can be aggravating, absolutely. Randy is on so much medication that side effects are inevitable. The worst one is moodiness, and a quick temper. He has never been the best patient to begin with, and he can be a real….challenge, at times. However, we never forget where he was, and how unlikely his presence at Thanksgiving dinner was.

I love this time of year, I have enough Christmas stuff to fill 3 houses. And Hanukkah decorations! It is hard to express how happy it makes me to change my house into a holiday wonderland, and buy gifts for the people I love. I love wrapping each package, placing each decoration. Each year, though, it becomes more difficult.

I spent the entire day yesterday on muscle relaxers and in bed. Grrr. I feel better today, but far from well. I can feel every tingly, achy, sharp protest in my back when I walk. I consider it an insult and an insufferable injury upon myself by my own body. This has been going on for most of my life, but this time of year is the worst.

Born with a spinal deformity, I have never known what it would be like to live a pain free life. We all do the best we can with what we’ve got, right? I have always had to make choices. Do I work out or garden? Do I cook or go to yoga? It is galling to me how much pain is involved in something as simple as cooking a meal. I’ve been vacuuming since Ran has been home, and I forgot how painful that is. When the kids were young I chose to spend time with them as much as possible, though I did participate in a vocal group, The Rich Tones, an Acapella barbershop group. If you’ve never heard them, or the men’s group, The Vocal Majority, you are missing some great music. Anyway, in the late 90s it became impossible for me to continue, my back would not support me any longer. I had surgery in 2000, basically rebuilding my lumbar spine and sacrum. Things have been much better since then, but the last few years I have been feeling some strain, especially during the holidays when I am so busy. I believe one of the reasons I love to dive so much is the absence of gravity…it is really the only sport/activity I can do without great pain. The ocean is very healing for me.

2013 has been a tough year. I’ve spent quite a bit of it in hospital rooms, I’ve lost my mother, and come very close to losing my husband. I am so very thankful that Randy is home, but being a caregiver can be physically exhausting, at least for me. Lifting and pushing the wheelchair, assisting with getting up and down, these all seem so innocuous, right? But not for me. Add to that the demands of regular life, plus the extras of the holidays, and I have been in more pain and under more stress than I have admitted, even to myself. My children, Wes and Alexandra, both young adults, have helped so much, but they have their own lives, and I cannot over burden them. I have been very fortunate in life, and for that, I am so very grateful. It is time to admit that I need help, and so I am going to try and find an assistant to take some of the pressure off. Today is my second day in bed, and I do feel better, but my back is very delicate today…if I overdo it, I will be flat tomorrow in pain. So today I will take it easy, and start exploring finding some help. There is so very much to do, and I just cannot do it all. The first step is recognizing there is a problem. Now that I have admitted it, it is time to solve it, and find someone to help me, and help Randy, too.

A True Thanks Giving

November 26, 2013 By Tam Warner 10 Comments

Thanksgiving has never been a favorite holiday for me. It has always meant, “ok, now it is time for the real holiday season”…and it means mashed potatoes. With gravy. Anyway, this year is different. Thanksgiving 2013 is, for our family and friends, a true Thanks Giving.

On August 2 of this year my husband, Randy, was admitted to the University of Texas Southwestern University Hospital with severe lung inflammation. Too ill for a biopsy, no one really understood what was happening to him. After several rounds of treatment with prednisone (the usual treatment for lung inflammation), the Lung Transplant Team approached us about testing him for inclusion on the Lung Transplant list. Double Lung Transplant. Those are extremely frightening words….. end of the line words. A lung transplant, is of course, for individuals with such severe lung disease that no other medical intervention is possible. Testing began.

In order to be put on the Transplant List, one has to be at the correct weight, and have no other health issues. They do a thorough physical…CT scans, xrays, colonoscopy, EKGs, EEGs, you name it, they check it. After a week of these tests, and sitting on the edge of our seats, Randy was put on the lung transplant list. He was actually number 1.

Randy’s father flew in from Florida; my son, Wes, cut a vacation short and rushed to Dallas; our friends and family began to pour in to visit with him. We thought he would get lungs within a week or two, but no appropriate lungs became available.

On August 29^th, Randy “crashed”. His lungs failed. The Transplant Team made a decision to put him on ECMO (Extracorporeal Membrane Oxygenation), a machine which takes over for the lungs, oxygenating the body. At the same time, Randy was put on a ventilator. The purpose of ECMO and the ventilator was to act as “a bridge” to transplant. What does that mean? It means it is the last ditch effort to keep the patient alive until lungs become available. Randy was kept in an unconscious state, on ECMO and the vent, for 12 days.

Those 12 days had to be the worst days in the lives of my children as they struggled to deal with a blow that few young adults face. Every day on life support takes your loved one’s strength, and increases the odds of some kind of complication. I lost my father when I was 25 to lung disease, and I lost my mother in June of this year of lung disease. I felt as though I had gone into the Twilight Zone, or at the very least, an alternative universe. Those poor transplant docs….they saw me every day, all day. I kept the idea of Randy’s possible death as far from my mind as I could, and concentrated my mind and heart on “lungs for Randy, lungs for Randy, lungs for Randy”. I made sure the transplant team thought about Randy constantly, because I was constantly in the ICU.

An incredible coming together of people from all walks of life began, and it happened mostly on the internet. Say what you will about Facebook…it reaches a lot of people FAST. My blog, www.travelswithtam.com/blog, also kept people up to date on what was happening. People prayed, they sent healing thoughts, positive energy, and it was almost as if I could feel those energies around us. A friend of ours even had Randy on the Dallas Cowboys prayer list! Friends came and prayed with us and for us. Churches and Synagogues around the world put him on their prayer lists as word spread. On day 12, at 11a.m., I was informed that there was a 50% chance Randy would be getting lungs that day. The longest day of my life began. At 6 a.m. on September 10, he was taken to the Operating Room to receive new lungs. A miracle? Oh yes, it definitely was a miracle.

Tom, Dave, Pete, and Brian with Ran at Lipshy

Randy’s recovery is far from over, but he came home on October 30. He has Pulmonary Therapy 3 times a week, sees the doctors of the Transplant Team at least once a week, and has other medical procedures as well. Blood tests and xrays are done weekly, and there are other procedures, such as Bronchoscopy (where they go down with a tube and look at the lungs) on the schedule. He is not walking on his own yet as his muscles completely atrophied, but he is home. He is alive. He is breathing.

So this Thanks Giving is a very special one for our family and friends. We give thanks for Randy’s survival I doubt that most people believed he would live, I know my children didn’t. They truly believed they had lost their father, and they were heartbroken. But he is here, with us, in our family home once again. The four of us are together. We thank, from the bottom of our hearts, the donor and the donor’s family. They will be spending these holidays without their loved one, but I hope they take comfort in knowing that he or she (we don’t know which) gave life to many others on September 10. The same donor’s heart and liver were also used to save lives. What a gift the donor’s life was! What a person and family of generosity and compassion, and how grateful we are to them!

Click to Tweet.

So thank you. Thank you to all those who prayed or sent one single wish Randy’s way. Thank you for the meals, the treats, the visits, the flowers, the words, the phenomenal support we felt during that time of challenge. Thank you to the power that saved Randy’s life. Was it God? Was it love? Whatever belief system was called upon, I think the collective power of so much energy and love created a miracle.

Thanks Giving will be a day of celebration of life and giving this year, and for every year to come. Happy Thanks Giving, from our house to yours.

Steubenville is Every Town

November 25, 2013 By Tam Warner 4 Comments

The Grand Jury Indictments in Steubenville, Ohio today are reminders of the terrible crime committed during August 2012, the rape of a 16 year old girl during a party. In March, Steubenville High School football players Ma’lik Richmond and Trenton Mays were convicted of the rape, which authorities said took place at a party in August 2012. Photos and videos of the incident made their way onto social media and attracted national attention. Not only were students involved, but today 4 more indictments were handed down to adults: “Steubenville City Schools Superintendent Michael McVey faces three felony counts: one charge of tampering with evidence and two counts of obstructing justice. He also is charged with making a false statement and obstructing official business, both misdemeanors, DeWine said. Also indicted was elementary school principal Lynnett Gorman and wrestling coach Seth Fluharty, both of whom are charged with misdemeanor failure to report child abuse. Volunteer assistant Steubenville football coach Matt Bellardine was charged with four misdemeanors: allowing underage drinking, obstructing official business, making a false statement and contributing to the unruliness or delinquency of a child. This brings to six the number of people the grand jury has indicted after two students were convicted of rape, DeWine said. A school technology director and his daughter were indicted in October.” (CNN) The Grand Jury has taken the moral high road here: holding the adults accountable in the case as well as the students involved. The charges of obstruction of justice and withholding evidence are particularly pertinent, and sends the message loud and clear that there should be zero tolerance for these crimes, and the crime of covering up. I blogged about this last August when it happened, on my blog College Adventures. I am re-publishing it here, on Travels with Tam, because this is an important issue, during midlife, or any other time of life. It happens everywhere….Steubenville IS every town. The advice in this blog should be shared with every woman, young, midlife, or golden years.

August, 2012: One of the major news stories of the last couple of weeks has been the rape of a 16 year old girl in Steubenville, Oh. Steubenville is a town that lost thousands of jobs when the steel industry up ended in the 1980s, but even prior to that “Steubenville” meant football. I grew up in Dayton, Ohio and football was a way of life, every fall meant high school football, college football and pro football. As a sociologist who investigated and taught gender and violence issues, I can speak to the propensity of fraternal cultures and rape. I’m not going to go through theory at the moment, but instead focus on the unspeakable crime committed by high school football players in Steubenville. The important thing to realize is that Steubenville is every town in America.
In case you’ve been living under a rock somewhere, during August of 2012, an unsupervised party was on in Steubenville, filled with football players, girls, and lots of alcohol. In this age of cell phones, there were photos taken and movies which showed the girl in a drunken or unconscious state. I’m sure some of the videos are still on youtube. One of the defendants, Trent Mays, talked on and on about how she looked dead, acted dead, and he didn’t care if she was dead or not. Asked if it would make a difference to him if she was his daughter, he said, no it wouldn’t matter, I’d want her to be dead. Several individuals at the party took photos with hash tags “rape”, and knew what was happening. NOT ONE PERSON TRIED TO INTERVENE. 3 of the young football players who participated in the event by taking photos and watching, were granted immunity and testified against Malik Richmond and Trent Mays. Sixteen people from the party refused to speak to investigators. In Steubenville, the football team is the town’s pride, and many blame the victim. Death threats on social media toward the rape survivor. Today, two teenage girls were arrested for sending death threats over social media, and there may be more charges to follow against those who stood by, cheered on, or ignored the rape. The Sheriff of Steubenville said today that they are monitoring twitter, facebook, and others and if anyone else goes over the line, he will arrest them.

A few years ago, in Richmond, CA, a 15 year old high school student at a Homecoming Dance was gang raped for 2 and a half hours. At least 10 men/boys joined in, and another 10 or more watched, filmed, or encouraged it. No one called 911. No one reported anything at all. The question everyone is asking is why? Why would men watch this crime, participate in it or film it, but do nothing to stop it? There is no short answer to this question, but there are explanations. They are found in the theories of “groupthink” and in the socialization of males in our society. Let me try to explain two theories, quickly. In the 1970s a young woman was stabbed to death in a New York neighborhood. While she was being murdered, many people watched. They watched from their windows, and from safe distances. No one tried to stop it. After studying this situation, researchers theorized that when many people are watching a crime, they each think someone else will report it or do something about it. When only one or a very few witness a crime a person usually does come forward to help or to report it. As the number of people watching grows, the likelihood of intervention goes down. The other explanation is more plausible in this case, and has to do with male socialization combined with “groupthink” and “fraternal cultures”. There is much research and documentation on the dangers of boys or men in groups. Boys and men, when in groups, will do things they would never conceive of alone. Add alcohol to the mix and you have a tragedy just waiting to happen. I could go into the theory and the research, but it would take far too long. For my purpose here, I want to define rape, and give a few facts.

What is the definition of rape? ANY SEXUAL ACT CHARACTERIZED BY LACK OF CONSENT, BE IT BY FORCE, THREAT OF FORCE, TRICKERY, COERCION, BRIBERY, OR PERPETRATED ON SOMEONE DRUNK OR UNCONSCIOUS. (Yes, that is correct: a person who is drunk or unconscious cannot give legal consent. Period.) Women age 24 and under suffer from the highest rates of rape. The Justice Department estimates that one in four women will experience rape or attempted rape during their college years, and that less than five percent of these rapes will be reported. After watching the disgusting behavior of these boys in Steubenville and the threats against the victim, it is easy to understand why so many go unreported. Many of these rapes will take place within a fraternity house, or on a date.

Girls have a right to live their lives without constantly fearing that guys will rape them. Sadly, the message that rape is wrong is not getting through to our boys. We, as parents, teachers, counselors and advisers, need to make sure that boys, and girls, understand that boys do not have a right to sex. NO means NO. If the individual is too drunk, or unconscious, to say NO, it is rape. If she says yes, it is rape: a drunk or unconscious person cannot give consent. ANY SEXUAL ACT CHARACTERIZED BY LACK OF CONSENT, BE IT BY FORCE, THREAT OF FORCE, TRICKERY, COERCION, BRIBERY, OR PERPETRATED ON SOMEONE DRUNK OR UNCONSCIOUS. A person drunk, drugged or unconscious CANNOT GIVE CONSENT. Sadly, girls need to be vigilant, they need to be alert. Don’t go to parties alone, make sure you are on the buddy system, even when you go to use the restroom there should be two of you. Never go alone. Don’t walk on campus alone. Decide that you will leave together, and watch your alcohol intake. In addition, never take a drink from someone unless you have watched it from bottle or can to glass. Rohypnol, or “ruffies”, can be slipped into a drink easily. I was a volunteer rape counselor at Parkland Hospital, and one night I was called in because a 16 year old girl had been gang raped by 9 boys after being given the drug. She felt safe with them, a few of the boys were in her math class at school. She trusted them. Girls, always be careful, always know who is around you and what they are doing. Always be alert. And if the worst happens and you are sexually assaulted, REPORT IT. These young men must learn that their actions have consequences. Parents, I urge you to have this discussion with your children, boys and girls. NO means NO. Read the definition again: ANY SEXUAL ACT CHARACTERIZED BY LACK OF CONSENT, BE IT BY FORCE, THREAT OF FORCE, TRICKERY, COERCION, BRIBERY, OR PERPETRATED ON SOMEONE DRUNK OR UNCONSCIOUS.

So why am I, a college consultant, a sociologist, a parent, writing about this subject? Because I care. It is the 21st century, when will rape stop? We aren’t living in caves anymore, and you cannot claim “I didn’t know it was wrong”. As adults, we need to do a better job reminding our children, grandchildren, and students the values of character, integrity, honesty, and doing the right thing.

Cheers for the Grand Jury in Steubenville!

GREAT Travel Deals!

November 20, 2013 By Tam Warner 1 Comment

travel, travel offers, offers — Boulders Beach, South Africa

Ever heard of www.offers.com? Or the browser extension called Honey which checks every site for coupons? I hadn’t either, but they have coupons galore, on everything from toys to vacations! Check them out! http://www.offers.com/travel/!!! Happy travel shopping!

Keeping Perspective

November 10, 2013 By Tam Warner 4 Comments

I had a rough day on Friday. Emotionally, I mean. My mother’s ashes and urn are here, and in taking a look at it, everything just hit me. WHAM! In the last 6 months I have lost my mother, and gone through my husband’s sudden illness and double lung transplant. He was on life support for almost two weeks before lungs were available. It has been a very intense few months, to say the least, with little relief. Watching my children suffer was harder than my own feelings. So…looking at mom’s urn made me feel guilty that we had to cancel her memorial service because of Randy’s illness, and that made me think about how close it came to arranging a service for my husband. It was so close. And so I just came unglued. Crying so hard I could barely breathe, and thinking ridiculous things like “I wish I could go home and be a child again”. I think we all need to release pent up emotions like that once in a while, clearing our heads and our hearts of detritus and debris. Mine lasted 10 minutes or so, but it physically wore me out for the rest of the day. I was just exhausted, and limp, and wanted to sleep. A very tough day.

But, grief is relative, isn’t it? I mean, these events were extremely difficult for me, but everyone goes through losing those they love or watching loved ones suffer. It is just a part of life, so I’m no different than anyone else. There are many lenses to look through when life isn’t exactly the way you want it. When I turned on CNN and saw that there were possibly 10,000 dead in the Philippines because of a terrible storm, I reminded myself to keep my perspective. Those people had lives, families, loved ones, and joys and sorrows, just like I do. It is terrible, looking at the photos, and trying to imagine the grief of those who survived. They lost friends, moms, dads, children, siblings…they lost their homes and their livelihoods and their community. I am so fortunate, so lucky, and I am so grateful for the incredible life I have. Yes, things have been a little tough, but many, many people have it so much worse. So I tell myself it’s okay to cry, but it is not okay to cry for long. Shake it off, buck up, and get on with it. Perspective and balance are important.

Want to help those in the Phillippines? Here’s a great link: http://news.yahoo.com/how-to-help-donate-to-victims-of-super-typhoon-haiyan-195111618.html

Roca Partida

November 8, 2013 By Tam Warner 2 Comments

<a href=”http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/11136489/?claim=9rugdff7e3e”>Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>Roca Partida is part of the Revillagedoes Islands, and is an absolutely amazing dive spot. It is just a rocky little place inhabited with birds. At least, that is what it is on top. Underneath the waves is a lively and diverse ecosystem, teeming with fish and marine life of all kinds.

Roca is amazing. You can see in the photo one of the pangas dropping divers off. The currents are fairly strong here, and the pay off is big adventure. What is here? Oh….dolphins, mantas, sharks …incredible!

The dolphins were so fascinating. They came right up to you, and checked you out. It made me nervous that they wouldn’t like me! Their eyes clearly show their intelligence… is it equal to ours? I wonder. They love showing off, and I think they enjoy the flash of the strobes because they have a game they play. They actually “play dead” and sink 50 feet or so, then dash right back up in front of you for a picture, then they do it again! Clearly this is a game they very much enjoy. If you’ve seen dolphins at Sea World or some other aquarium (these animals should not be held captive in my opinion) you have seen them smooth and beautiful. In the wild, they are scarred and scratched up from life in the ocean, but they are still beautiful.

There were platoons of sharks, mostly White or Silver Tip Sharks. Before I went in, I was a little nervous about diving where there were so many sharks, but once I was down I was thrilled and excited to be among them. They so obviously had no interest in us other than just looking once in a while, but most of the time they didn’t even do that. They have a very busy schedule, you know, and cannot be bothered with visitors!

The sharks were awesome, but the main attraction here? MANTA RAYS. At Roca we saw many Mantas, and they are all breathtaking, just a completely thrilling sight. The highlight of Roca though, was the Black Pacific Manta. The top of the animal is completely black, and looks like velvet. They don’t hesitate to come to you…to look at you with their strange blinking vertical eyes, and to enjoy the air bubbles from the tanks of the divers. Manta Rays have the largest brain of any fish, and you can see that the eye is not a doll’s eye, but an intelligent eye. There is nothing quite like the thrill of being eye to eye with a Manta!

As I said, the current can be strong at Roca, and I did get swept away once. I ended up being swept behind the rock, then out into the “blue”. I was accompanied by a Black Manta, and the wonder of spending that time with this incredible, huge creature was so overwhelming I was not afraid of the current. The Manta stayed with me until I was in the panga, and then stayed around the panga. Of course I had to put on my mask and snorkel and go back into the water with it. The beauty of those spectacular wings flying effortlessly through the water is indescribable. We ended up staying two wonderful days at Roca Partida. None of the divers wanted to leave! Click to Tweet!

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