Still Rolling

I came in this morning, Sunday, and Randy was awake!  He was quite calm, following me with his eyes, squeezing my hand, responding to commands.  I just talk to him, telling him who asks after him, who has visited me in the hospital (my new home), and any news, like Rachel and Zach getting engaged!!!!

Tony flew into Dallas yesterday, and came back to the hospital today.  He saw Randy and talked to him a bit.  His nurses today are Jenna B and Jenna B (or Jenna squared) and they stretched his legs and arms.  I’m sure that felt good.  So Ran was up for about an hour or so before his breathing rate increased, and they put him back under.  Ally came later in the afternoon, and he woke to see her, you could see him responding to her voice.

Lungs.  We need lungs.  I cannot believe that he is number one on the list and still does not have lungs.  This weekend there were 3 offers for lungs….none of them acceptable.  The doctor told me that it is a good sign that he has had 3 offers this weekend, meaning that the competition from Baylor is not edging him out.  Meaning that his score must be the highest for the area.  Last night, one of the staff accidentally told me there was an “offer”….I was on pins and needles all night…and this morning.  No lungs came.  I understand completely now why they wait until the last minute to inform you.  My hopes were so high last night, and so devastated today.   Wisely, I did not tell anyone else…and it was difficult as Randy’s dad, Rex, and brother, Rexie, came up to the hospital after I heard there had been an offer.  I am so glad I kept my mouth shut….why disappoint everyone else?  Rexie came in Thursday and left this morning.

But the roller coaster goes up and down, and all around.  Late this afternoon, after Randy’s bath, something set him off…his heart rate was higher than usual, he was fighting the ventilator, breathing 50-60 times a minute, coughing, and coughing is a terrible thing, it is soundless, but he raises off the bed.  So, Dr Kaza decided to do a bronchoscopy to be sure nothing was lodged in his throat or lungs, but there was nothing.  Thank God.  He is fighting the ventilator so hard….they ended up having to paralyze his muscles to get him to breathe with the vent.  He fights the sedation as well.  All of these things will serve him well when he finally gets a pair of lungs.

Every  day he goes without new lungs is a risk:  the risk of infection, risk of a complication…. I really cannot conceive of a world without Ran…I know it is not his time.  All of these issues during the long days in the ICU put my heart in my throat, or causes my heart to drop to the bottom of my tummy.  Brad L and his lovely wife Jennifer came yesterday, all the way from Rockwall, to lift Randy up in prayer; a family I’ve gotten to know in the ICU waiting room prayed the Our Father with me; another friend has recommended the Ho’hoponopono mantra:  I’m sorry, Please forgive me. thank you, I love you.  She says it helps liberate kharma.  I’ll try it.  I will try anything and everything to keep Randy with me…so if you have any suggestions, feel free to give them to me.

I really need to sleep.  I do sleep at night, wake in the morning and feel the pull to the hospital so strongly I can barely pause to get myself coffee and showered.  I need to drink more water, take some KIND bars with me, maybe nibble a bit on graham crackers…. I stopped at Eatzi’s Market tonight and had some shrimp for dinner.  Tomorrow I plan to take a Greek salad with me….I know I need to stay well.  I am taking vitamins.

I am still hopeful….all he needs is a pretty, healthy, pink pair of lungs.  The sooner the better.