TRAVELS WITH TAM

So, waiting until your late twenties or early thirties will leave you fewer good picks? Wow. I guess these smart, college educated women should make sure they catch a decent man early on so they don’t get stuck with the leftovers.  That makes little sense though when you consider that the average college educated male gets married at 28.  Besides, marriage is not such a big deal anymore. Want some empirical evidence? 72% of adults were married in 1970, but only 48% of adults are married now. Marital happiness has been declining for both men and women, and the American divorce rate is still very high. More and more people are asking, why should I get married?  Well, that’s a pretty good question, especially for women.  Click to Tweet!

As a former university lecturer on Gender Studies, I can tell you that the history of marriage in a male dominated society is about control.  Marriage was a contract, between two men:  father and groom to be. The ownership of a woman’s sexuality was passed from father to future husband, and usually along with money (or sheep or cows) to sweeten the deal for the future husband. Women had value as virgins, were contracted to have their husband’s children, be virtuous wives, and of course, a married woman must submit to her husband’s desires: there was no such thing as rape in marriage.  The woman left behind any claim to self-hood as she changed her name, changed her home, and instead of submission to father, she submitted to husband.  Hey, I could go on forever. Gender was my field of interest for my graduate work and for my teaching. I will say that our society perpetuates the romantic ideal of marriage, the prince and princess fairy tale wedding and happily ever after. From the Huffington Post: “In the U.S., that traditional view of marriage, and the wedding industrial complex that profits off of it, now have a powerful marketing platform in every cable network targeting women (five words: “Say Yes To The Dress”).” Weddings are incredibly expensive now, and I hate to burst your balloon, but diamonds are not rare…that is a marketing ploy. (Don’t get me wrong, I like diamonds!)

And, since I am on the subject, in this day and age, I mean it is 2014 after all, why are women still changing their names? I find this very disappointing. Changing your name implies that you are giving up your individuality to become MRS. Someone Else. I hear the argument from young women that “I want the same last name as my children”, well, so what? Give them YOUR last name, or better yet, who cares?  Basing your decision on whether to change your last name on the possibility of having future children strikes me as pretty lame. From the Huffington Post via Web MD:  One study tracking 1,000 couples for 15 years found that marriage brought only a “tiny blip” of happiness during the brief time closest to the wedding ceremony. “But on average, afterwards, people go back to way they were before. The researcher’s perspective is that we each have a baseline of happiness, and marriage on average isn’t going to change that — except for that little blip,” [psychologist Bella] DePaulo says.”  So, know that marriage is not going to change you. Or anyone else, for that matter.

You can have a long term relationship with or without children, without marriage or with marriage, and you don’t have to change your name legally, change your driver’s license, credit cards, all of that. I mean, it’s 50/50 that your marriage will last anyway (sorry, just letting you know the stats). Do you want to have to change everything back?

Yes, I married young, and I did not know I had options other than to take his name, plan for a family, and let him make the big decisions. As we grew up together, we found our own way of doing things. I attained my education later in life.  I know now what else one can do, but I did not then.  (I have a cousin, 9 years younger, who served in the Peace Corps and traveled all over the world, and I thought she was just the most amazing person in the world. I still do, I admire her experiences in life.)  I am one of the very, very fortunate few as I am still married, and happily so, to the same guy. With few exceptions, everyone I know who married young, got divorced. At least once. With the education and experience I have, with the knowledge of the fight for equality and the struggle for equal pay, with the spirits of the women who came before me and fought for everything we now have, for the women who fight now for the right to determine what happens to our bodies, the right to use birth control, to have women’s preventive health care, and decent sex education (and I count myself among these women) I would not make the same decisions in 2014 that I made in 1981.  I would still be with Randy. Would I marry? I don’t know. I might just have a long term relationship without all the bells and whistles (so romantic…like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn).  Or, depending on money, maybe I would still have my beautiful white wedding. I would still want my wonderful children, and who cares if they are born in or out of wedlock?  How medieval that is! Would I change my name? NO, no and no. Someone give me a good reason, one that doesn’t involve patriarchal values, and we can discuss it.  I have held to these ideals, I have taught women’s history and gender equality, I have supported women’s education and health, I have raised my children with feminist values, and yet I have a feeling that my own daughter might change her name when she marries. sigh.

Obviously, I feel strongly about these issues. My advice? Really think about the history, the facts, and educate yourself about these issues before you rush into decisions. Make your own decisions, don’t do what everyone else wants you to do. And, in my humble opinion, anyone who advocates the 1950s advice that the Princeton Mom is espousing is doing a great disservice to our young people, both women and men. Come into the post-modern world and see the possibilities open to all! If you don’t like it, build a time machine.

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