Midlife brings its share of excitement, sorrow, and puzzlement, regardless of the season. My husband’s family relations have puzzled me long before now, but during the holidays, it seems to surface more often.
My husband’s family went into business together long ago (I know, first mistake, right?) and tempers flared. It did not have a happy ending as far as family relationships go. I have always been sorry for my children, and my nieces and nephews, that they didn’t grow up together and form lifelong relationships. Long story short, one of my sisters-in-law decided to break relations with her husband’s brothers, and their entire families. I fought it for many years…and while the kids were young we did have some little contact, but as the years went by, we were absolutely frozen out. Persona non grata. I have never understood people who cut off family members (unless they were convicted of an ax murder or something). My family is not perfect, but I have stayed as close as a sister to one of my cousins, and reconnected with another. My brother and I are close. It is so important, to have those bonds of love and affection, to have a sense of belonging. We live in different parts of the country, but that does not lessen the ties that bind us together.
I held out hope for a very long time that the attitude of my husband’s family would soften, at least between the cousins, but I have come to realize that there will be no change. Even though the kids are all adults now, and should act like adults, there is no sign of melting ice. Actually, the final straw for me occurred last week. My father in law is frail, and in his late 80s now. One of his granddaughters was in from out of town, and he wanted to get his 3 granddaughters together for an evening with him. They all said yes…but at the last minute, he received a phone call from one, cancelling the evening. The other two cousins went, and both said Grandpa’s heart was broken, and he cried on and off all night because the 3rd granddaughter would not join them. It broke their hearts to see him like that, and it breaks mine to hear about it.
My family always makes fun of me for saying this, but I am serious: why can’t people just be nice? What is the use of hanging onto anger and feuds that have nothing to do with the present, and had nothing to do with the children in the family? I understand being hurt. I just don’t understand perpetuating hurt until it becomes intractable anger and bitterness. I believe we have all lost, but especially the children. They are now adults, and don’t even know one another.
Although I will never understand it, I finally accept it. Last year my husband had a life threatening health catastrophe and we came very close to losing him. My children and I received not one phone call, not even an email, to express concern, or to offer help. I suppose that says it all.
I try to live my life with optimism and hope. Ghandi said, “The weak cannot forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” I forgave long ago, but what I finally understand is that there are some individuals who are just not capable of love or forgiveness, and those people bring toxicity to our lives. It is best to wish them well, and let them go out of our lives.
I know this is not an unheard of issue between family members. The holidays can often be tense when families gather. What about others out there? Do you have family members who have cut you out of their lives? Or that you don’t speak to? How do you handle it?
Hi, Tam. As I read this I felt like I really connected to your words! I am going through the same thing with some people from my husband’s side of the family. You and I share the same positive outlook on things, and I find it disheartening to learn that others that I love do not always act like adults. In my particular instance, I am planning a special “Girls’ Weekend Getaway” for all of my sisters-in-law, nieces, our daughters and granddaughters. We are going to a cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains of VA in just four short weeks. Should be simple, right? No. Now, one of the sister-in-laws is refusing to come because her step daughter (my brother-in-law’s daughter)r is coming and bringing her little girl. Granted, this young lady has not always been on the good side of her father and vice versa, but she is one of us whether we like it or not. The niece is going through a separation from her husband who everyone in the family adores. So, rather than reach out to the step-daughter and have a conversation with her and offer support, my sister-in-law is choosing not to come to the weekend because “she may tell her off” in front of everyone else. This feeling of hate has no doubt transcended to others in the family. I am an only child. Always wanted a sibling, and still to this day that is the one part of my life that is incomplete. It disgusts me that grown adults act this way. But, I am still going forward with the weekend, and I know that for sure I plan on enjoying the company of everyone else! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent. In the words of a great songwriter, LOVE is all you need!
Grrrr. I guess she knows all the facts and particulars of your niece’s marriage, right? Tell that sister in law to just be nice!
I am sorry for the tension. Family conflict is both really complicated and really simple. It is heartbreaking. My wish is for people to give each other the benefit of the doubt and to err on the side of kindness. (I could improve my efforts to be a peacemaker, myself.) Kudos to you for seeing how simple it can be: “Why can’t people just be nice?” Word.
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It has been heartbreaking, even for those who perpetuate it…even if they don’t realize it. Being nice to one another, and giving the benefit of the doubt, would make not only a peaceful family, but a peaceful world. I have a shirt that says, “Just Be Nice!”
Families are complicated and are not always easily fixed. My best friends family all get along. Every single one. Siblings, parents, cousins, grandparents, divorced parents who travel with everyone along with their new spouses. I tell them they are incredible, because I don’t know many families who aren’t broken in some way.
I agree with you. It takes too much energy to hold onto anger, and it’s so much freer to be nice and respectful of everyone. Me? I’ll take being a mambe-pambe any day!
Cathy Chester recently posted…New Jersey Speaker Series: How Madeleine Albright Made Me Laugh
Don’t forget the nicey nice! That is not an insult, I like being nice. Wish everyone wanted to be nicey nice.
You know what they say, you can’t pick your family. My extended family is quite challenging. Anger only makes us sick! In order to stay healthy, I chose to forgive. I realize the only emotion and actions I can control are mine. I interviewed a relationship specialist recently for a blog I am doing next month. She told me to remember, you can’t make a cat a dog! I try very hard to stay out of the “drama” and into the joy!
I have to accept the way things are, and accept that I cannot change anyone but myself. It’s been a long time coming, but I am finally letting go. I choose a positive life with positive people.
Everyone comes with their own truth, and their own story. However, I have seen, in my own extended family, healing, forgiveness and love…and laughter. It can happen, but everyone takes their own path, and we certainly can’t force it. BTW, I am also a softy. When my daughter played softball, I wished every game could end in a tie, so no one would feel like they lost.
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My throwing a few poker hands earned me a reputation that continues today! MAMBE PAMBE. (I think it is nambe pambe, but whatever).
I have seen people I know who only have one sibling in the whole world, yet refuse to speak with them for something that happened decades ago. I know a mother who won’t speak to her own children because of a misunderstanding. How is that even possible? I will love my children no matter what! Tam – don’t change I am a doormat as well, a pleaser. Always trying to please others, I don’t know how else to be. Your post is sweet and honest and I can totally relate. 🙂 xo
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No, I can’t change, I am what I am what I am. I am working on not being the doormat though, and starting to please ME.
It’s so ironic, right? Sometimes the very people you have shared a life with are the ones that hurt you the most- because you love them and then they go and do/say something that rocks you to your core and you decide to never see them again- because you love them. How does this make sense? I prefer to forgive and forget.
A Pleasant House recently posted…Why PASSION Can Be A Mis-direct
I agree.
I am with you. I don’t get it either for people to hold on to grudges. How sad for your father in law. I have always been taught that forgiveness is not about the other person but rather a gift you give yourself. The state of ‘un-forgiveness” is toxic and hurts you inside. It is best to forgive and not hold on to the hurt. My best wishes for your husband’s family that they can get beyond the hurt.
Thank you. It’s been 24 years of glaciers, but you never know.
Families are so complicated. I’m fortunate that in mine, we all get along. Most of the time. But remember, friends can be family, too.
Our friends are family, without any doubt at all.
HI Tam. Several years ago I planned a wonderful 50th anniversary weekend for my beloved parents. We had many people coming from all over the country. I had planned several events and venues. Unfortunately I had not planned for a hurricane, which caused several families to cancel at the last minute. I was crushed that some treasured people in my parents lives would not be there. My wise mother said something which made all the difference to me. She told me ” the people that are supposed to be there, will be there.” She was and is so right. In life, the people that are supposed to be in your life will be in your life.
If they’re not in your life (or at a special occasion) then they weren’t meant to be. I read something recently which is so appropriate to this discussion. There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama & the people who create it & surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy. I so agree!
I agree with you – why can’t people just be nice?! And why would feuds get passed down through generations? The people involved are no longer involved, and it just seems like a waste of energy. Family dynamics can be so needlessly complicated.
Lois Alter Mark recently posted…my happy place
My husband’s family has always been the same way with each other. We always managed to stay out of it. Now they’re almost all gone to cancer. It’s sad.
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It’s so sad.
I completely agree with the “nice” and “forgiveness” philosophies, but it’s sad that so many families are torn apart for what always appears to be the most meaningless arguments 🙁
You’re right too about forgiveness being part of that “take care of yourself”…
Esther Lombardi recently posted…‘Velveteen Rabbit’ Writing to Life #books
There comes a point when you have to let go.
This is my life, my mother decided she wanted two children; one boy and one girl. When she became pregnant the third time and I was born, she’d already decided I was a terrible baby that ruined everything; before I was born. Unfortunately, she raised my older sister believing I was a terrible person for being born and my sister has always HATED me.. Actually my sister hates both me and my brother; we three sibling and our children absolutely do not know each other at all. My mother hasn’t had a family meal in her home since the early 80’s..
I don’t know why everyone can’t get along; I applaud my cousins, who have invited me into their family so I at least can see how it would look to have one.
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That is awful! Ugh.