Laid Flat

I cannot begin to tell you how crazy (angry, disgusted) my spine makes me.  As Randy says, “this is Bullshit!”  After a weekend of family engagement, and holiday decorating, I found myself in such pain that I could barely walk.  Thanksgiving was so special…Randy walked into the dining room!  He is now able to do some walking without his walker!  Every little improvement means so much to us all. It isn’t all roses, though. He can be aggravating, absolutely. Randy is on so much medication that side effects are inevitable. The worst one is moodiness, and a quick temper. He has never been the best patient to begin with, and he can be a real….challenge, at times. However, we never forget where he was, and how unlikely his presence at Thanksgiving dinner was.

I love this time of year, I have enough Christmas stuff to fill 3 houses.  And Hanukkah decorations!  It is hard to express how happy it makes me to change my house into a holiday wonderland, and buy gifts for the people I love.  I love wrapping each package, placing each decoration.  Each year, though, it becomes more difficult.

I spent the entire day yesterday on muscle relaxers and in bed.  Grrr.  I feel better today, but far from well.  I can feel every tingly, achy, sharp protest in my back when I walk.  I consider it an insult and an insufferable injury upon myself by my own body. This has been going on for most of my life, but this time of year is the worst.

Born with a spinal deformity, I have never known what it would be like to live a pain free life.  We all do the best we can with what we’ve got, right? I have always had to make choices. Do I work out or garden?  Do I cook or go to yoga?  It is galling to me how much pain is involved in something as simple as cooking a meal. I’ve been vacuuming since Ran has been home, and I forgot how painful that is. When the kids were young I chose to spend time with them as much as possible, though I did participate in a vocal group, The Rich Tones, an Acapella barbershop group.  If you’ve never heard them, or the men’s group, The Vocal Majority, you are missing some great music.  Anyway, in the late 90s it became impossible for me to continue, my back would not support me any longer.  I had surgery in 2000, basically rebuilding my lumbar spine and sacrum.  Things have been much better since then, but the last few years I have been feeling some strain, especially during the holidays when I am so busy.  I believe one of the reasons I love to dive so much is the absence of gravity…it is really the only sport/activity I can do without great pain. The ocean is very healing for me.

2013 has been a tough year.  I’ve spent quite a bit of it in hospital rooms, I’ve lost my mother, and come very close to losing my husband. I am so very thankful that Randy is home, but being a caregiver can be physically exhausting, at least for me.  Lifting and pushing the wheelchair, assisting with getting up and down, these all seem so innocuous, right?  But not for me. Add to that the demands of regular life, plus the extras of the holidays, and I have been in more pain and under more stress than I have admitted, even to myself.  My children, Wes and Alexandra, both young adults, have helped so much, but they have their own lives, and I cannot over burden them. I have been very fortunate in life, and for that, I am so very grateful.  It is time to admit that I need help, and so I am going to try and find an assistant to take some of the pressure off.  Today is my second day in bed, and I do feel better, but my back is very delicate today…if I overdo it, I will be flat tomorrow in pain. So today I will take it easy, and start exploring finding some help.  There is so very much to do, and I just cannot do it all.  The first step is recognizing there is a problem.  Now that I have admitted it, it is time to solve it, and find someone to help me, and help Randy, too.